Dealing with sub-optimal individuals

Or less professional names.

My son, a sophomore in high school, has been complaining about his Spanish teacher. My husband and I attempted to turn the conversation into a teachable moment about dealing with people we don’t like. My 16-year old balked at learning coping skills versus just getting a C in Español. And then my husband inspired the title of this post by saying, “We all must learn how to deal with sub-optimal individuals.”

How kind. I perhaps have called them “assholes” in my less professional moments. When I was coaching coworkers, I called them "the toughies”. Regardless we really don’t like them, do we? They present obstacles to our everyday flow of accomplishing tasks and having a pleasant time. These are people who act as blockers, often rude, and prevent us from moving forward. Alas, we must learn how to deal with them.

First, let’s breathe deeply. Today, we will earn our Patience badge.

Now lots of things require patience. Bosses asking for endless tweaks on a presentation. Rooms full of people that don’t listen to our brilliant points. The general drudgery of modern offices and open floor layouts. But today I shall focus on the attackers, the instigators, the poop heads if you will.

Examples from my own career for your learning pleasure:

#1: Part of my job was to set up routine meetings with our internal customers and listen to them complain because the relationship had broken down over time, and I was there to address those gaps. Most of our partners were eagerly taking advantage, bringing various team members to describe their unhappiness with our solutions. One particular leader halted the meeting upfront demanding a detailed agenda. When I re-explained the meeting’s purpose, they refused to continue. Our plan was a waste of time; they knew who to talk to on our team with problems, and it wasn’t us.

#2: My job was to run our ad policy, and as such, my job was also to tell sales people that their customers could not run ads for guns, tobacco, or other fun things. I phoned into a sales meeting with our international leaders to brief them on policy changes, and I hear screaming. This particular group and its leadership were known for tearing people apart. I waited out and listened to a rampage regarding a business deal before my turn. At some point early on during my presentation, I started getting yelled at too.

#3: My job was to run customer support for a product and not to create particular technical plans. However, in order to support our big launch, I had my team pitch in when the Eng team didn’t create a particular technical plan. At a post-launch meeting, the engineering head sneered their way through various discussions. At one point, they tore apart the plan my team created in a throw away comment, “It wasn’t good”.

And now we breathe…

This seems like a good time for your patience badge.

You see what I am saying? Sub-optimal individuals. They get your blood up. Your flight, fight, fear response. How do we deal with these individuals? First of all, some things to know:

1. These people tend to act like bullies. If you cave, they’ll hunt you further. If you stand up to them, they’ll back down.

2. These people have high standards. If you can impress them, you’re in forever. However that can take some time, and they often misbehave in the early days.

3. We don’t always need to prove ourselves to everybody. Some people don’t deserve our effort.

So with that in mind, some approaches we can take:

PROVE OURSELVES

Undoubtedly, the most patient course of action is to prove ourselves to a toughie. In my experience, these folks are testing our knowledge, our boundaries, our mettle. We certainly can rise to the occasion, roll up our sleeves, and get to work. If they want data, we provide data. If they want a better plan, we can provide it. If they want an agenda, by golly, YOU GET AN AGENDA. However, this doesn’t always work and it also undervalues our time. I usually try a couple tactics for a bit, repeating anything that gets me headway. But if nothing is working, I move on to…

FIND THEIR FAVORITES

I don’t always feel the need to prove myself to all of these persnickety folks. If they have favorite people who they already like, let’s leverage them! When faced with the lead who didn’t want meetings, I simple cancelled them. I asked their chief of staff to collect information and let me know what was needed. I went to a couple of their friendly direct reports and asked them to route me any needed information. No need to taunt the beast. Years later, I was sitting next to that same lead at a conference dinner and they nicely thanked me for mentoring one of their team members. Go figure.

LEAVE

In some cases, the behavior is simply not okay. Or you risk being unprofessional by staying. Get up and leave. I did so when the Eng leader criticized my team’s technical plan. I said “Well, do it yourself” and got up and left the room. I went back to my work desk, packed my bag, and went shopping for some retail therapy. My boss was totally fine with that because the lead was being a total a-hole and tensions were high. We got over it. That Eng leader ultimately ended up being a confidante when things got tough. It’s just a moment that will pass, but it’s also a chance to show that you won’t tolerate certain behavior. Period.

YELL BACK

OK, do I really recommend yelling? Sort of. I’ve only raised my voice a handful of times in my career, and in each case, it was back to a bully. They always backed down, and they never bothered me the same way again. So show your strength. Whether it’s raising your voice to be heard or reemphasizing your point, don’t back down in the face of their offensive. Show that you have guts, and they’ll usually listen. At that sales meeting, I raised my voice back at those leaders and told them not to interrupt me. A few minutes later, the sales leader told me not to interrupt him either. We were on even footing again. But I didn’t stay in that Sales team forever either. I didn’t agree with that culture, and I did move on as that approach grew in power.

Pro tip: Observe how others respond to and deal with the person first if you’re nervous.

“CYA” ALERT

Leaving and yelling really only works when used occasionally; you must be in good standing with a positive reputation. In each case, I also debriefed with my boss on what happened and how I reacted. Sometimes they were there to witness it and even oddly applauded my professionalism. Really? I guess I have higher standards? Side perk: You’ll quickly figure out if your boss has a backbone.

What did I miss? What else would you try? Let me know in the chat or comments below..

Until next time,

Alana

Ed: Free article as of 3/22/26